8 posts from March 2009

I am praying.  Maybe not enough.  Maybe too hard.

I am very aware of my grief.  It is not easy to deceive myself that Ruby's gone.  The acceptance is in place.  It has been accorded with love.  That, death is certain.  That, it is a natural process.  Still, I am experiencing profound sadness.  I am all warped with feelings of emptiness.  Of despair.  Of yearning and deep loneliness.  I still cry a lot.  From nowhere, the tears will just begin to flow.  I am missing a beloved soul.  There is just a void feeling to nurture and care for someone whom I love so much.  I still feel, somewhat in small degree, emotionally unstable.

Memories of her last day are still vivid.  Words that I spoke to her echoed with some guilt, somehow.  Ringing  sadness.  Words of hope, of good faith, could actually stove for higher good.  Mismatched between choices.  Landscaping of how fragile I am as her caregiver.  

Guess, this blog will just have to bear with my healing process.  I am facing my feelings and will not suppress my grief.  I have to acknowledge the pain to avoid unresolved grief in the future.  Not to be trapped in complicated grief.  I want my grief to metamorphose into a loving memory.  Laid forever with a peaceful reminiscence of what love is all about.

For now, I am not going to tell myself how to feel nor am I going to tell myself that it is time to 'move on' or 'get over it'.  I am letting myself to feel whatever I feel without embarrassment or judgement.  It will be an invaluable lesson of reflection and realization.  Of my highest good.  For my highest good.  I want to believe it so.  To find new strength that will enable me to continue with my life's journey.  To regain peace of mind.

Her departure means the loss of a non-judgmental love source.  From a person, who used not in tune with a dog, her departure chokes me.  Emotionally.  Spiritually.

Ruby was not just a pet.  She was not.  Ruby was a trusted companion.  A partner.  She provided unwavering love.  Affection.  Companionship.  Qualities that are hard to match in human form.  She played a large part in me.  She weaved into fabric of my daily lives.  With her presence, she was my best source of unconditional love.  Becoming the ideal child and a true friend.  She listened without judgement.  Without reproach.  She accepted me exactly as I am.  Always there.  Ever forgiving and never hold grudges - no matter how much change I endure.

She was beyond companionship.  She lifted my spirits.  

Even in her passing, she never failed to care.  The bonds that we had, none of them trivial or without value, carried on.  Somehow, the pain that I used to have is now gone.  My left frozen shoulder is no longer having the stinging needle pain.  So, is my left sole.  These pains, which I had them for so long, just disappeared the day she crossed over.

So, it is only a natural response that I am grieving.  She is a significant loss.  It is my emotional suffering when such love is being taken away.  Each moment, as I think about her role played in my life, and all the wonderful things she offered, I am not going to ignore the grief.  Nor will I try to keep it from surfacing.  For real healing to take place, it is necessary for me to face and actively deal with it.

Grief is never a series of stages.  It does not have the orderly and precise five syllabus of denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance - in that order.  It is a roller coaster, full of ups and downs.  Highs and lows.  

My family and friends have given me great support.  Ruby is blessing me to have them around.  Most of them don't even have a dog in their life.  It is understandable if they could not understand how I could be so upset about losing just a pet.  Yet, for them to be around speaks volume.  For them to understand my grief is god-sent.  Their love makes the burden of my grief easier to carry.  I am very thankful.  Yes, I am.

My grief is taking me to embrace my spiritual and emotional realms.  To better equip me to live and love fully.  I am fortunate to cry, to tell stories and to reach out for comfort from my family and friends.  When it is time, I will just know when to move on with life and to let go when I am ready.

Time will lessen the intensity of my grief.  For now, there are just too much reminders.  They are anywhere and everywhere.  In sights.  In sounds.  In smells.

This is for me.  For me to take the strength, and courage, to move on.  For me to heal myself.  For me, with all my reflection into the past, will bring light within.  To reach for the tranquility.  Only when there is tranquility within myself that I will find light, love and peace elsewhere.

Dearest Ruby,

I love you very much.  You have always been so dear in my heart.  That, for the last eight years, whatever I do, it has always centered around you.  You are big in my life.  You are the light that shines in me, forever.  Though, I may have complained a little, my love conquers all.  Every time I look at you, there's understanding in your eyes.  Your soul comforts me.

I grew up always so afraid of dogs.  In fact, I could never like a dog.  I could never understand the love that they can bring us.  I could never understand the loyalty they can offer.

At the time you were born, somehow the Universe rewarded me for life lesson.  When Daniel asked me, just for the fun of it, to match my personality to a dog breed in an online quiz, I felt in love with a cavalier king charles spaniel.  I just felt so much in love that it changed everything thereon.  I had a deep desire to own you.  To be part of my life.  To walk with me.  All my fears, my reservations and everything I thought about dogs didn't matter anymore.

I spent weeks to find you.  Spent days contacting local and overseas breeders.  Spent days reading about you.  About how to care for you.  About the new journey, in our lives, to bond for our highest good.  I felt ill searching for you.

I believe God has His plan.  Together with Ann, we went to Pet Movers.  We prayed that we could find you.  When you were ready for 'sale', we were at the right place and time to meet.  The day was 8th January, 2001.  There, in a kennel cage, you were playing with your brother.  You were just about two months old.  I remember the joy watching you.  In your language, you tried asking me to take you.  Telling me that you had waited for me to come to take you home.  You came close to me yet there was this vibe that you didn't want to scare me.  You had sensed my fear.

Everyday, from then on, we learned to give to each other.  You taught me the silent language and heightened my intuition without the use of rational processes.  You opened my world for higher awareness and realization.  A gift for perceptive insights.  A torch of love regardless the difference between us.  A passage towards acceptance.  A bridge of understanding, and respect, to God's kingdom. 

It has been good eight years.  I would want it to be forever.  To keep me company.  To provide.  To receive.  It actually pains me to let you go.  You are a basis for action.  For decision.  For conviction.  I cry hard.  Much harder than when I lost my parents and a sister.  I keep asking for the lesson behind your loss.  I have let you go, yes I do.  That, for all the years we spent together, death is your right passage to be with God.  That you are in a better place now.  That you are at peace.  That you are blessed to end your earthly sufferings.

I love you dearly, Ruby.  Here I am, with loneliness, filled with cherished memories that are just hard not to bring tears.  The last few days have been hard.  Doing all the usual things will hit me with a sense of loss.  It is hard not to cry doing the bed in the morning or even eating food that we used to share.  When I hear a dog barks, from the opposite block, will make me want you to be around.  When I think of other older dogs, I struggle to find sense why you have to go so young.  When I walk the memory lane, at the parks where you used to run free, I wish we can do it again this weekend.  And the next and next. 

I guess it comes naturally as I have always felt the need to provide you.  Protect you.  Only to give you the best.  For you to receive the best.  Guess, it has been my gratitude in return to you.  For all the joy that you provided.  For all the good and bad you take in.  For all the trust that you have given in me.  For me to take you for granted that you will never do me wrong.  For all the love you take with a grateful heart.

You are very special to me.  For now, I am going to forgive myself.  To deal with my guilt.  I am not so much concerned with right or wrong.  We have been good to each other despite our different temperaments.  We have filled our days with love.  With a promise.  Unconditional.  We have learned to accept each other.  We acquired experiences to live.  No one can ever rob that away from us.  And, no one is to blame. 

I am praying for God's light with what am I supposed to know.  What is the thing that I need to learn from life; not what my purpose is, but what's my lesson?

Your passing will leave me - and hopefully, the people around, with a lesson about being as loving, accepting and generous in life as we are in death.  About recognizing the beauty of a relationship we have when we have it.  And being grateful for it so that we do not feel ambushed by misfortunes.

No one is going to harm you anymore.  No one is going to misunderstand you anymore.  No one is going to disrespect you anymore.  It is the only sense there is to be made from your departure.

One big lesson that Ruby is providing, with her departure, is about the reality of us being a human.  That, it is so hard to let go.  That, with such a loss, we can easily rack into the past.  That, imperfections are so big.  And guilt is so hard to wipe out.

The mind keeps wondering.  We question our actions.  We ask the limits of intention.  We doubt the validation of deeds.  Beyond all, we express upon the truth of all purposes.

The day we can reconcile it all, Ruby will be very proud of us.  In the silence of communication, there are messages.  You taught us to look out for subtle meanings and the significance of events.  You have made us to seek for higher awareness.  For signs that will release us of our fears.  Of worries.  And eradicate the uncertainty of thoughts.  Only to lead a life with an affection that transcends all mortal feelings.  To become a love born of devotion to one's soul and spirit.

For now, we are still deeply drowned in sorrow.  Unfortunately, we are not coping well.  It is the empty room in our surrounding.  In our hearts.  In Reiki Sanctuary.  It is the loss of a dear companion, and a very precious one.  It is the broken relationship.  It is the loneliness in the heart.  Flashes of the past magnify.  The emotional pangs of pains can be rather unbearable.  We dearly miss her physical touch.  We miss her adorable ways to make us smile.  We miss just having her next to us and watching her sleep.  The tenderness that goldfielded a mercy worthy of our relationship.  That, constantly, reminds us of sacredness and its manifold gifts to humanity and spiritual union.

Your loss is a great pain to us.  We had fooled ourselves that the day will come later.  Much later.  We are just refusing to allow our mind to that decision, sending you to the Vet, was the strength and courage you had chosen.  You knew we would be very lost should you take your last breath in our presence at home.  You knew those are actions that must be done.  You had actually communicated with us.  Showing the unusual quiet trip to the clinic.  Not even barking and struggling as you would always do.  What you wanted was for us to give you the means to the strength that you had lost.  And all your dignity.

The white light that came to connect with you on such a beautiful day, Friday 20 March, was a great blessing.  The weather, throughout the day, was just lovely.  You even had arranged for some people to be with us.  You just knew we needed them.  And the day, it was Saturday  21 March at 3 pm, as your earthly body was cremated, the sky cried.  And so were we and our friends.  It marked an earthly closure between us.  It was the beginning for eternal re-membrance.

We are deeply thankful ...

-  To Dr Quek who tried his best.  To the Lab Technician, Robert, who took great care of the body.
 
-  Thank You to all our families, relatives and friends that sent condolences, love and prayers.

-  Special thanks to Jian for offering us transport on Thursday.

-  Special thanks to dear Penny, Joanne and Nel for accompanying us on Friday. 

-  Our heartfelt gratitude to our true friends, Ann and Pat,  who sacrificed their time, to be around us at all time.  For their time at the Vet on Friday to the cremation on Saturday afternoon.  For all your time accompanying us throughout the night and trying hard not to make us cry.  And, for constantly bringing back sanity into our minds.

Thank you for the constant prayers.

-  Our appreciation to Pat who accompanied us to collect the ash on Sunday.  And then, sacrificing your work, to spend with us the whole afternoon.

-  To Mr Osman, at the Cremation, who provided us the compassion and the respect final goodbye.

My little request:

I believe in the power of prayer.  I am asking for everyone's prayers as you read this blog.  For a little prayer to Ruby.  For her soul to rest in peace .. For her spirit live on forever.

Thank you all.  May God be with you.

About eight years ago, we found you.  You came into our lives because we wanted to have you.  And only you.  We brought you into our home, our life, and you brought along so much love and joy.  You became very precious.  You knew that.  In return, you took care of us.  Always reminding us to embrace unconditional love.

When we wronged you, you were delighted to forgive.  When we were angry, you clowned to make us smile.

You told us, thousand times, by the way you rested on our legs.  By the way you wagged your tail.  By the way you showed us you were hurt when we left without taking you.  Cos, you were filled with worries when you could not come along to care for us.

You taught us the meaning of devotion.

Today, you are asking us to let you go.  To accept the situation where you would be free from your pain.  From your heart problem.  From your failing liver and the rising of jaundice.  From your low blood count. 

You tried to fight them.  Yes, we know you had.  With all the pains, you had never complained.

We are praying that you will be in peace with the white light.  That you will be in heaven where you, rightfully, belong.  We will miss you.  We will remember this day.  We will remember you as our precious daughter.

We love you, Ruby.  And so, is God.  May you rest in peace.

12 years ago, I decided to join a group for a retreat.  Spent a week away from civilization.  Away from the outside world.  It was a time, and place, of solitude.  A great deal of the days was filled with relearning about Self.  About the consciousness of the mind.  About personal sense and knowingness - in our attitudes, beliefs and sensitivities.  About the awareness within it and how the sense of self realizes into remaining awake.

While there was aplenty stream of consciousness, the one thing that changed my thinking mind was from the act to repeat simple mantra.  We were forced to memorize phrases.  We repeated them every morning, afternoon and night, day after day.  We repeated them whenever we made a conviction.  Whenever we found an insight.  Whenever we felt down.  Or up.

The more those phrases were repeated, it stimulated enormous energy.  There was great sense of propagated commitment.  There was internalized transformation.  There was light that changed the mind paradigm.

Today, I still recite them.  It is food for the mind.  This mantra, though long, recharges the thought process.  Here, I am sharing it with all my friends.  Inviting all my friends to accept it and to let it become a 'simple ritual' where you recite them in the morning.  And again, just before your zzzz at night.  I am very sure it will change your life - This, I promise you!

It is good to memorize them.  It is good, for the first few times, to read them aloud.

The Mantra:

I become what I think about.  The me I see, the me I will be.  I think, therefore I am, I do.

I think, I feel, I act to get results.  The more I act, the more I get.  The more I give, the more I get.

What I give out is what I get back.  Life is like an echo - when I shout, it yells back at me.  Life is like a boomerang - When I thow it out, it keeps coming back.

Yes, I am a choice maker.  What I choose in life, is what I get.

I think positive, I become positive.
I think negative, I become negative.
I think big, I become big.
I think small, I become small.
I think I can, I can.
I think I cannot, I cannot.

I get what I am looking for.  I found the 10 acre lot because I was looking for the 10 acre lot.

I think of hate, I become hateful.
I think of revenge, I become revengeful.
I think of fear, I become fearful.
I think of love, I become lovable.
I think of respect, I become respectful.
I think of humbleness, I become humble.

Yes, I become what I think about.

As I think in my heart, so am I.

What I can hold in my heart, I can have it in my hands.

I move in the direction of my dominant thoughts.  I am the sum total of my thoughts.  Thoughts become things.

Hard time or easy time, good time or bad time, it is up to me.

If I want to be free, it’s got to be me.

When I am unable to find tranquility within myself, it is useless to seek it elsewhere.

Where there is love, nothing is too much trouble, and there is always time.

The vision that I glorify in my mind, the ideal that I enthrone in my heart, this I will build by my life and this I will become.

I must have the vision to see my potential, and faith to believe what I see.  The courage to act with conviction, to become what God meant me to be.

As I advance confidently in the direction of my dreams and endeavour to live the life I have imagined, success will come to me unexpectedly in common hours.

Over the last few weeks, it is day 50 today to be exact, my aunt has been hospitalized.  A woman who never thought, and often avoided the hospitals, would be warded this long.  From just a vertigo attack - probably due to her blood pressure, now the doctors are advising us to be vigilant of her condition.  We are told that her condition is critical.  Three weeks ago, she was placed in ICU, for two weeks, when she contracted the MRSA bacteria.  Sadly, she is now suffering with a side effect of Frontal Lobe Syndrome.

Like her, I have come to know of few others whose health have turned around since the beginning of this year.  Of prayers that I was asked to make for some people.  Of individual, like Sze Ern, who crossed over to the other world few weeks ago.  Of a father, of our dearest kin, who has just passed on today.  Of sadness.  Of separation.  

Life has become a gathering of sombre mood causing, in a great deal, sad feelings of gloom and inadequacy.  Plus, the economic outlook is depressing.  To the same degree it's like a gathering of death.  Is this a synchronicity of what lies ahead?  That, nothing is a coincidence.  Of what we, and those that are still brimmed with good health, should take stock of our lives?  To make a reflection.  To reconsider the process of giving, and the gratitude of receiving.  To live in retrospect.

As I listened to their talks, and the more I listen about how we felt short not mentioning how much we love, and appreciate, the people around us, I become rather discouraged.  I am discouraged because we have the habit that we often 'wait' until someone has passed on, or separated from us, before we tell this person that we love him/her.

Why do we allow ourselves to wait until that someone cannot hear before we let him/her know how much we love them?  Why do we often live not recognizing the good quality of a person when they are still with us?  Why do we wait until it is too late?  Why do we, often deliberately, delay to 'build' someone up when the person is already out of our life?

When we are said to be spiritual beings, it is discouraging when we allow our mind to think negatively about each other.  That our focus is often on the mistakes.  The imperfections.  That we often amplify only the wrongs and conveniently refuse to speak lovingly about good deeds.  How we speak about each other makes a big difference.  As we lovingly express a person, our words bring comfort.  It brings us closer.  It creates bond.

Perhaps, we need to consciously celebrate life.  A celebration where stories are told - eyes mist over, laughter rings out, and as we conclude lovingly, the person rises and gives us the biggest hug.  That, this person gets to hear the stories and come to the realization that he/she has made a difference on earth.  And when the inevitable separation finally comes, we can say goodbye with the knowledge that they knew exactly how people felt about them.

Has someone made a difference in your life?  Has someone been an influence in your life?  I am glad to meet a dear old friend, Daniel over the weekend.  I am glad, in the presence of his partner, told him how special he had been in my life.  I am glad to mention to another friend, Paul the same thing too.  For all their paths that crossed mine, they are being cherished with good hearts.  For all the good days that were spent caring for each other; making our world a better place to live in.  It was them that made betters days for you and me.

Life is too short to leave kind words unsaid.  These loving words will make all the difference in the world.

Alas! With our email [over the weekend] informing you guys of our new email address, it had extended with a little surprise [to many] too.  You now know that we have relocated.  That on 20 October, 2008  we had moved out of Hertford - once, a place that was filled with your loving presence, to a new Reiki Sanctuary in Jurong East.

And, that the mountain-me has started blogging too.  *surprise! surprise!*  Here's wishing you a happy read - ah! and I can see some of you already yawning!  Yeap, this blog will be one year come 15 March.  The initial postings - The First Few Entries.

We wanted to make it a quiet transition.  It was not an easy decision.  Now that we have finally settled in, we are looking forward to your visits.  No, there was no house warming nor will there be one in future.

Thank you for all the replies.  Thank  you for always being there.