I Could Have Given It Up
The past few weeks had been a mind blogging and puzzling occurrence. I spent a lot of time trying to troubeshoot my computer problem. The system was still running well. There was no software lag nor were there any signs of serious hardware failure. Haha, ok Choi! Choi! I was able to connect to the internet, sent and received emails and surfed well.
There were no indicative serious malware problems but I had a blog annoyance. My blog played punked on me. It simply didn't allow me to sign-in. Posting or updating, therefore, was impossible.
I switched ISP when we moved into Reiki Sanctuary. It is said that a dedicated ADSL connection, in comparison to cable, fetches a better speed especially when you stay in HDB. Ah, but there's a prize to pay for it.
The Universe, surely, has a way stacking up my thoughts and jesting my inner emotions. Perhaps,she was asking me to make up my mind. To be assertive. To affirm my desire. To know the journey based on the want I choose, and chosen, and pursue it from there. Basically, I believe it is about being clear with my wants. Free from cloudy adversary. Distinctly clear with faith. The road to [any] success lies in our consistency and, consciously, fixed the parameters of our determined purpose towards the fruition of something big. We become what we think about; the rewards are result of vibrational energies put together.
Just before I faced with the computer problem, and when Reiki Sanctuary had almost completed (ok, there is still outstanding work and Chiauw is still not able to finish with the acrylic) with the renovation, I was at a crossroad. The primary purpose of Reiki Sanctuary was about a journey in setting up a new home for me. To journalise my path as I walked through it day to day. To imprint the experiences and, in my own way, express these events openly to the Universe. About the apprehension of everyday anxieties of uprooting to another place. About the emotional expression of the joys and frustrations. It is my believe that a written desire, penned sacredly, is a way to communicate with the Universe. It is a way of reaching out, receiving in. It is the only way the Universe will know how serious we want the things in life.
Slowly, as I was settling comfortably and well, my mind started to ponder. I wondered what else was there to write? It had also come to a point where, upon reflection, the joys and accomplishments in Reiki Sanctuary had become personal. That, it disregarded others' feelings. That, it had become such a show off. That, I was left naked and all about my reflexive form exposed.
I was slapped with an awakening feeling. The question of self pursuit, in all the triumphant aloneness, was battling with the stigma for social cohesiveness. That I should, or should not, be in the critical mass of individuals and forget about who I Am and what I want my life to be. It put me back at a junction searching for another unfolding dynamic energy.
The thought and feeling had become, somewhat, a burden. I needed a way out. I prayed for clarity of mind and for peace within. The Universe, in her usual loving and unconditional love, never failed to deliver. It may not be immediately understood nor would the right of path was at once evident to the mind. The virtue to silent the mind bore the immediate relation.
It is time, as such, that we need to realize we are still [an imperfect] human being. That we are always faced with choices and yet to make one right for ourselves. I contemplated ending my blog. It is said, all good things must come to an end. Must it?? Deniably, everything comes to an end but must, and should, the things we deeply loved be sacrificed? Deep within me, there is great personal joy developing this blog. It had served its other purposes too.
In The New Beginning, first written on 15 March, 2008, I wrote:
"I have always wanted to write a blog. Often, my mind has so much things going on. I always felt it would be good to calm it down by writing the thoughts - to imprint them so that I can reflect the values, mind mapping my path and let it serve as foundation where I should honour and embrace permanently into my life."
The Universe never forgets. For what is verbalised, and imprinted, she makes sure I carry it through. Like a mother, she will only let it go when I want to let it go. She raises us to become what we want to be. To intensify our thought, to learn as we go along, and never to abandon us to suffer. We lose because we allow ourselves to lose. But endurance and consistency are what she applaud.
And so my PC becomes the intermediary. For an unknown reason, I could not access the blog. There was no way I could sign in. No way I could compose. The site looked corrupted:
Days were spent trying to diagnose the problem. At first, I thought I had been attacked with a browser hijack or, worse, a dns hijack. Many anti spywares were run. So were anti virus programs. It had a glimpse of hope just for one day, after troubleshooting it with anti spyware and anti virus, but soon the site became inaccessible again.
Frustration grew.
I had always wanted to reformat the PC before moving into Reiki Sanctuary. It was to give the system a welcome feeling to the new house. More so when I would be changing ISP. Unfortunately, I never got to find the time to honour the thought. "Watch The Thought" it says and, true to its mystical energy, my PC acted.
Perhaps, the Universe wanted me to settle my energy in Reiki Sanctuary and to enjoy the labour of love. I spent too much time arranging, and re-arranged, things in the house. It had become an obsession. It sapped my physical energy. I was on the lookout for defects. I eluded even a simple lighthearted rapport with the people around me. I was, unconsciously, trapped back into a cave.
Days were spent to reformat the PC. It actually eased my anxiety. The computer, at last, got a new life. A new dressing amidst the old hardware. I honoured my thought to reformat it.
However, the problem accessing my blog remained. Worse, I cannot even open hotmail messages. I started to have worries. The problems were much bigger than I thought. Have I violated the Terms? Have Vox banned my account without informing me? Strangely, my Vox account was still accessible from another computer on another IP. Have all my personal internet database hacked?
Guess, when we endeavour to live the life we imagine, success will come unexpectedly. The Universe opened the path and provided me the clarity. All at once, I felt it had nothing to do with my computer but an ISP glitch.
Finally, I am home! I am thankful that I encountered the problem. It gives me new perspective. A new courage. A new computer lesson. A new insight.
This time round, I shall honour what I had intended to do. I should have faith in what I wanted. I am sure it will be taken care off.
I am thankful that I am loved. Thank You!
